7.16 
have been feeling so weird recently. left the show early yesterday bc i got hot and overwhelmed. it made me reflect on how i used to push through anything, stay out really late. i didn’t mind discomforts. it seems like i’ve become hypersensitive to them recently. all i want to do is sit in the bathtub and read my books. it’s what i do most nights and it is good! 
an intern at work asked me out the other day and i was bewildered because i had told him i was in a relationship, but looking back i realized how much i talked about being alone. i always tell him about how when i get home from work i will sit in my empty apartment for awhile, then i will swim 2 laps at the pool and read my library copy of the New Yorker from May. or i’ll walk around SLU and climb trees, feed the ducks at the pond. my roommate moved back to california for the summer and the silence in the apartment was jarring for a long time. i got depressed for a brief moment, but now i like that i don’t have to open a window if i want to smoke in the bathtub. i like that very much. 
yesterday W told me that i speak about being “socially off” in a way he’s never heard before. i believe that i am charming in tides, sometimes off putting, sometimes magnetic. it used to be out of my control but i feel like i’m choosing to disengage these days. i think i am a high context person, i am only funny and chill if you know me very well. i have been spoiled with seeing my friends every day at work, there is a freedom in knowing that you can say whatever you want and be sure that they will still eat lunch with you tomorrow. 

4.24 10:21pm
these past couple days have been unreal. went back to kirksville and hackers took down the entire internet system so B and i watched tv on his iphone before i went out. i saw a bunch of his friends at hurricane and we hung out a bit which was funny. i made up with all my enemies and exes at the ultimate frisbee scrimmage by basically being really fun and chill. balled out a bit truthfully. i am so much better at sports when idgaf. 

then we had a little party at thousand hills in this weird enclosed room and it was wonderful. i was mad at first that we couldn't just have a party at e line st but this ended up being better. some of us played card games, people were dancing, no one could flush the toilets because they would overflow. things were going wrong but in a hilarious way. whoever invented smoking in thousand hills is a genius, i got the perfect amount of high and i think it's because I was surrounded by trees + nature. headed to TP's afterwards to hold court in the backroom. all the mold really does get to me though, i always start to get depressed by the end of the weekend. maybe it's because i'm leaving but it really feels like i'm slipping into a malaise. i feel like when i talk to my friends who still go there in the middle of the semester, sometimes they're zombie-like. it's freaky. 

i think i'm top 5 in the world of sharing a twin bed. i woke up at 6:30 on sunday and couldn't fall back asleep because i had so much to tell B about and i was getting excited. i decided to leave him alone and read my book on the living room beanbag until he woke up. i couldn't focus because my head felt so full from the night before. that was the least i've ever drank at a party, i didn't even finish one beer. i'm starting to get grossed out by alcohol a little bit which is cool! i had so many hard feelings for people that hurt me in college and within a weekend i realized that i just don't care anymore at all. i hope they  knew that me laughing at their jokes meant that i've forgiven them.

took B to urgent care for his knee and i learned that he loved HGTV growing up. thinking about that makes my heart swell a little bit. we were being slightly boisterous in the waiting room bc we were talking about what we would choose for our room theme if we were on Extreme Home Makeover. thinking about this used to stress me out as a kid bc i thought they might come to my house randomly and pressure me into choosing what special interest to transform my entire bedroom into. i still don't have an answer after all these years. maybe the jungle? so i could have a bunch of plants around? i'm not really an all-in kind of girl. no one elaborately decorate my room please!!!

i got home at 10:20pm last night, washed my face and fell asleep. considered showering when i woke up but decided not to. in the morning it felt romantic to still have the faint smell of sharing a bed with him on me, but now i am decidedly grimy. that was the longest time i've ever gone without seeing my partner, a whole month. i made a playlist about intimacy with no place to go and i'm worried about it being misinterpreted. my coworker was confiding in me about her new boyfriend a few weeks ago and she said he made her uncomfortable by making everything about sex because she's asexual. i said "me too, kinda" in actual real life because it felt right in the moment but my friends said that's an irresponsible thing to say since it's not actually true. i think it's more about being regarded as a non-sexual entity when i'm out in public than anything else. i don't know the word for that necessarily. i went on my friend's podcast today and openly discussed a romance book with smut in it so i'm not being very consistent about that i guess. whatever, who cares. 

going to idaho this week with my sister gonna read a lot and walk around it will be lit!

4.13 9:38pm 
last night i woke up at midnight covered head to toe in hives. i went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and there were giant splotches covering my entire face. i'm not allergic to anything and i stopped having seasonal allergies years ago so i have no idea what happened. i don't have any medicine besides extra strength ibuprofen so i just went back to bed and hoped for the best. when i woke up it was all gone so i nearly convinced myself it was just a nightmare until i found a single scar on my left hand. my friend at work said this happened in a horror movie, that they fed this vegetarian girl meat as a prank and she woke up scratching her skin raw and it had turned her into a cannibal. i don't think that's what happened to me but i'm keeping it in mind. 

i'm slightly concerned that strange things like that are going to keep happening to me because i've started listening to that scary podcast that V posted on her story the other day. it's called otherworld and it's about the occult kinda? and i don't want to give that kind of stuff too much attention but it's sucking me in. but how come i had a genuinely nightmarish moment out of the blue right after i started listening to it? weird.