11.28

fran is better now except she’s iffy on eating so i’ve been putting some cat food on a plate and leaving it on the coffee table and she sneaks up there and eats it like she’s getting away with something. too easy

just bought a ticket to sydney so i guess i’m actually going to australia this winter. decoy plan has turned into a real plan. does not feel real. my life has gotten so bizarre this year. but in a very epic way

11.25

am addicted to reading this ex-fundamentalist book right now because it is scarily accurate however this is coinciding with my first orphan holiday season so i am in Grief Hell. and fran is sick so she’s been throwing up and peeing everywhere which is awesome too. today i was not a person who participated in anything at all, i laid down and did not eat. i cuddled with fran even though she was wet from laying in her own piss. i don’t even care anymore

tomorrow i will wash my sheets and fold my laundry and shower and do my pages in the morning like i’m supposed to. but today i can be sad. this weekend it really occurred to me that my entire family is in a white supremacist cult for real. and if i’m not in it then i am not welcome. so leaving the family is not even really my decision, it’s mutual. i’ve known this for many years in theory but since i was taught to deny my own reality and not trust myself it’s been hard to internalize that fact. now it’s actually real and it’s like damn. that sucks

11.24

have started bringing tupperware to work events so i can bring home leftovers and people are loving that vibe surprisingly…i am developing the skill of polite greediness. i walked to my car 25% slower today because i was weighed down by my spoils

11.20

statement on my recent trip to chicago: If I was crying in the van with my friend, it was for freedom..from myself and from the land

was wonderful to see cassidy one last time before they left for brazil, in my memories i see them as an angel amongst us. i've started doing a sincere hello to strangers because of them, it's hard to not have that rub off on you. at thanksgiving dinner we sat on the stoop outside for a long time and they said "when i first met you i wasn't sure if i should be close to you because i wondered 'is this person going to stay here or will they grow past this?' and then i realized that you learn 100 lessons a day and now we are friends :)" which makes me cry and cry and cry when i really think about it

i think one of my favorite lines from Girls is shoshanna saying that her medium baggage is that she doesn't truly love her grandmother...normalize not loving family members. in all about love bell hooks says that abuse and love cannot coexist, that if abuse is present in a relationship then it is not love:

"Abuse and neglect are, by definition, the opposites of nurturance and care.... An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught that we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and/or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even as we were also taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us need to cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad."

this is my first orphan holiday season and i do not love my parents or my siblings and i will be spending my time with people who are kind to me. as overwhelming as it all is, at the core of it i am happy because i get to have a nice holiday this year :)

11.14 2

anyways. taking the train to chicago soon. that one girl who does nottttt play about her australian boyfriend

11.14

watched matilda last night which is actually a documentary about my life. i felt so seen by that movie as a kid which i think is why i still dress similar to her. she is dripped out for no reason..

one of the main themes of the movie is anti-intellectualism which has been interesting me as a concept recently. i read the wikipedia article about it this week and i am figuring some things out. it's crazy how it references the southern baptist denomination as specifically anti-intellectual and mention no other sects of christianity. so interesting

but that explains so much about my childhood. i think i was singled out because my siblings are "normal" and i was kind of dangerous bc i was lowkey curious asf...they had mostly given up on parenting me because i think they were happy with 2 children but they just thought you had to have 3 for ~balance~ so when i started asking questions and eventually going liberal athiest mode they were like ohhhhh my god shut up we don't care. and my siblings names are Adam and Avery...Adam and Eve(ry).....and Emma. not even a Bible name. and that's on nominative determinism

one time my dad preached that you should not read philosophers because they are dangerous and will lead you astray. my friend ellie from school had been coming to church off and on and this rang alarm bells for her. she pulled me aside and said something wasn't right and that it was all starting to feel cult-like. that was the first time anyone had ever said that to me and it meant a lot, i needed to hear it. i remember when i started going to college people were surprised i was there considering my background. someone said that i was lucky to be there, if i had been born a few years later they probably wouldn't have allowed me to go to college. which i think is true. it's so annoying when you're becoming your own person and you realize that the family you grew up in is like, the scum of society. they stand for everything that i hate. i do feel grateful in some ways that i got to have that experience because now i know for a fact that republicans and evangelicals are deeply deeply miserable people who are hopelessly in denial. thank god i never have to do that shit again, it does unspeakable things to your soul

denial though... i want to dig more into this soon. i saw an instagram reel about a former zionist who talks about how deeply in denial you have to be to believe in that. which is obvious but it's good to hear someone admit to it. i want to look more into that because southern baptists are zionists for literally no reason and i feel like learning more about that would be cathartic

11.13

last night we discovered a karaoke video for the entirety aeroplane over the sea (40:04) which needless to say will be hitting my living room like a bomb. sorry to my roommate and my cat and my neighbors and most of all, of course, anne frank. i did holland 1945 last night for the first time because i had never considered doing a NMH song on karaoke before and it was extremely not the vibe for the girlies in the room. however my tears ricochet was something of a spiritual experience for all of us. someday the songs i want to sing will align with the songs people want to hear on karaoke. but right now i can't be bothered, i'll worry about it in the next decade

11.12 2

how it feels to do Drunken Angel on karaoke

11.12

going to chicago with byrob this weekend...all things go all things go

cassidy is joining us at our friendsgiving on sunday which makes me so happy to think about!!! the heavens and earth will sing 🔜

james is correct (all the time) but especially about sufjan stevens winter...sufjan karaoke night in the works. deadass need to make karaoke videos for Reach Out and Wallowa Lake because they don't exist. i think i need to borrow Hal's ipad to do that. watch this space

11.10

every moment of cold i endure is in honor of the uruguayan rugby players who survived 72 days in the andes after their plane crashed. i actually highly recommend reading miracle in the andes to prepare for this winter it's been helping me be mentally tougher. i went on a long beautiful walk with pupdog01 yesterday and it was cold indeed and my shoes started pinching my feet on mile 6 but then i think about them shivering in -35 degrees every night in the fuselage and then i can actually withstand anything

was feeling sick at work this morning so i had emergency candy for fuel then ordered sushi for pickup at 10:30am. now i am feeling good and eating recovery candy. about to go get my hair cut at sabrina's house. looking forward to pinball even though it will be cold. see above for my feelings on that. ok bye

11.8

baller ass day. ran into moldgold and idi at coffeestamp and then did the 12 flavor challenge at confluence kombucha and threw up in the bushes afterwards. the staff was doubting me, when i ordered it they said “do you even drink kombucha like that?” and i said ummmm yes i really do. but i did not know it would be so hard to drink 36 oz of flavors like coffee + grape, okra and cherry tomato. alas, i put up a good fight

then i read a new poem about my dad that i wrote this week to a small group of friends

then did an explosive performance of casimir pulaski day that got south city on their mf feet #believe that. sometimes my friends exude such a powerful force of love that i am consumed with the fact that everything i was ever taught growing up was wrong and i am rendered speechless

11.7

have begun unpacking my time at tr*man in a real way and the things that were happening to me there were very not normal. no wonder that school is basically free.** if you are not paying for a product you are not the customer, YOU are the product. and by product i mean lab animal experiencing psychological torture. today i will read the new yorker article about the truman suicide cluster and further reflect. not to sound too sad for myself but i realized recently that my home was so prison-like as a kid that going to college felt like utopia for me. i really couldn't understand what was so wrong because it was my first time ever being free from the watchful eyes of my parents and the thousands in the church congregation. it was a marvel to be around other awkward weird kids who were not obsessively critical of me. if only that could've lasted

**truman is known for giving out generous scholarships, often outpacing the actual cost of the school, therefore issuing students approx. $300-$500 of refund per semester. i do not think that a $10,000 yearly tuition is practically free lol

my roommate and her cousin each attended truman for one semester before transferring, she lost 25 pounds and he lost 45 because they were so depressed. but i was content because at least my college was cheap. if i had gone to an expensive private school like my siblings my parents would've made me feel guilty about it forever. so this made me feel secure in my decision because at least i was being left alone re:money guilt

i also felt a sense of pride being the type of person who could stick it out. but that whole school is comprised of some of the smartest kids from small high schools across missouri who can't afford to go somewhere nicer and the egos were insane. i've always maintained that i am entertained by annoying people so i didn't mind all the showboating in class. but the interpersonal relationships i experienced were so sinister and meanspirited that i can't believe i ever put up with any of it. i don't think im still actually friends with a single person that i knew at truman, save for KTRM people (and truman alum flounderers..love u down) that i wasn't close with at the time but am fond of now. and i feel good about that decision, i did meet kind people there but i think i must move on from it completely in order to heal

thinking about how i was trying to merge on the highway the other day and a pickup truck would not let me in and i tapped my horn a couple times and flipped him off in the rearview mirror and then he took his hands off the wheel to double flip me off so i did the same and was laughing so hard that i missed his reaction. made my day

last night i folded all my laundry and dusted my room with florida water and listened to byron's 1hr12min audio message <3 and wrote the bones of my poem for tonight's poetry & rage. is anyone else feeling real refreshed rn or is it just me

11.4 2

goes without saying but bears repeating: racing mount pleasant is a very cool band

11.4

the healing power of karaoke needs to be studied. at night gabe and i take turns singing and last night i was choosing songs that i wish we could've sang in church, for my own therapeutic purposes. one of my biggest frustrations is that the music at church SUCKS because it's designed to be boring since everyone needs to be able to sing along to it, young and old. and throw in suburban tastes and you have the same whitewashed song over and over. and that was my primary experience with music, i sang at church every sunday and listened to the 80's hits radio in the car and that was it. when i heard good music on tumblr it melted my brain. t-shirt weather by circa waves you will always be famous

it's kind of nice to have never experienced anything real until far later in your life because then you really appreciate it. maybe i just need to tell myself this. i had a blackberry for the first time at Piper's the other day and it makes me laugh how in some ways i'm still brand new to exploring this world. i am 25 years old and i tried a cherry for the first time last year. doesn't it make you feel insane, how aggressively some people avoid pleasure? how they will purposefully deprive their kids of experiences because they think stimuli will hurt them? there's a john mulaney quote that's like "I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don't look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here." but in reality my life was genuinely this, eating bland food and going to school and trying not to do anything out of the ordinary and feeling guilty about not reading the bible because it felt like homework. it really fucks with your relationship to pleasure when you are raised to feel guilty about every aspect of life. not an exaggeration unfortunately. and an unhealthy relationship to pleasure is like, the root of most problems actually. read infinite jest by david foster wallace to learn more

in the near future i will write about shyness and how it is an ultimately self-serving behavior that you must unlearn or else i believe you will not get far in this world. you must learn to not give a fuck. breathe in breathe out double middle fingers peace love and friendship. this has been my cross to bear my entire life, i have always been a shy person first and foremost. and it is extraordinarily uncomfortable to put yourself out there but it has exponential returns. and i believe karaoke is a fast track to becoming comfortable with yourself, it is beautiful. i encourage anyone to come over to my house and hop on the $7 Savers mic, gabe and i are a great audience who love live music even if we don't know the song. you will leave feeling brave and refreshed. should we all get into karaoke, arm wrestling, and guitar hero this winter? i think this will save us. hit my freaking line

but anyways i think there are songs that are complex enough to be fun to sing but also have a worship song vibe. sufjan stevens has a PhD in this. chicago is like, the #1 pseudo worship song. also casimir pulaski day. last night we were talking about the juxtaposition of the churchiness of his songs vs. the lyrical content. not to become a lyric poster these days but i sang this part:

Tuesday night at the Bible study

We lift our hands and pray over your body

But nothing ever happens

I remember, at Michael's house

In the living room when you kissed my neck

And I almost touched your blouse

In the morning, at the top of the stairs

When your father found out what we did that night

And you told me you were scared

All the glory when you ran outside

With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied

And you told me not to follow you

and gabe was like can you imagine singing that at church. but that's the point i think, that it's a little too subversive for an environment like that. i think that Geese is also a good band for pseudo-worship music. i have been compiling a spotify playlist of these types of songs since february and i would like to keep a running list here

SONGS WE SHOULD SING IN CHURCH (karaoke banger edit)

One More Song by This is Lorelei

Au Pays du Cocaine by Geese

$0 by Cameron Winter

The Rolling Stones by Cameron Winter

Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens

Father Figure by George Michael

Tomorrow's Crusades by Geese

Joshua 2 by Marble Teeth

Certainty by Big Thief

Reach Out by Sufjan Stevens

11.2

i bring a sort of “falling asleep with my books next to me in bed” vibe that my cat doesn’t really like

it’s funny to observe what topic you bring up most at a party because that’s what’s on your mind slash most important to you. and for me it is the fact that i heard a bell collar can give your cat anxiety and mental problems so i took off fran’s bell and she is already much better. i used to get so frustrated, like truly “what is wrong with you” moments with her. and she still scratches a little bit but oh my god i have figured it out finally and she is so much more pleasant and cuddly! it makes me so happy. i feel terrible that she was stressed out like that, i had no idea. if you have a bell collar for your animal take that shit off now!!!

11.1

cover show put me in a weird mood which persists…maybe i don’t like crowds maybe i don’t like halloween maybe i don’t like being perceived as a girl in which other girls size me up in their heads and compare themselves and i can feel every single thought. probably the third one

10.29

had people over last night and announced that my long read of the winter is.........

THE PALE KING BY DAVID FOSTER WALLACE

except i thought that was a 1000 page book but it is only 548 pages. which will not hold me over for the entire season

SO I WILL BE SUPPLEMENTING WITH ANOTHER BOOK THIS WINTER

and i'll let you know what i choose

considering:

anna karenina

crime and punishment

moby dick (hi ashley :p)

gravity's rainbow (most compelling)

suggestions welcome

10.27 2

did lemon tek and went to the art museum yesterday with hal…would NOT recommend if you don’t want to laugh your ass off and feel like you’re in europe. the new anselm keifer exhibit is actually one of the best collections i’ve ever seen, we spent four hours there and still didn’t make it through the whole thing

but now today i am Thinking about / remembering my childhood in a way that i don’t allow myself to normally and it’s been borderline upsetting. i’ve been writing three pages every morning recently and i’m about to finish my first notebook tomorrow. it’s crazy how differently i see things since i started doing that. everything in the world is easier now. i can think clearer and say the exact words i mean. and it’s all starting to actually make sense finally, i’m safe enough to access those memories without being afraid that i’ll slip back into that mindset.

cannot overstate the significance of feeling safe in my own home…sometimes i think about what it was really like and it reminds me of when john mccain was a POW in vietnam and they broke all his bones and then left him in solitary confinement for two years and the bones slowly stitched themselves back together while he was laying on the ground in agony and then he refused an early release so they broke all his bones again. i was experiencing levels of anxiety somewhat similar to that i would say. and i’m sure many here could say the same. sometimes it’s hard to let myself accept the fact that i was raised in an abusive home because i’m white and we stopped being poor when i was 9. thank god i went to truman where i could be a fucking psycho with everyone else and get it out of my system. this past year several people have told me that it’s a wonder i’m well adjusted at all which i consider a compliment, i’m proud of myself. i’ve been thinking my ass off truthfully. i’ve been breaking out on my chin for the past month because i’ve been resting it in my hand while i write and while i ponder. y’all mind if i do therapy on myself?!?! gabe says some would consider this problematic but she admires my dedication + spirit & is inspired herself. boom there you go

i started reading this book yesterday that i got from the bolozone sale called humanism and/or behaviorism in education by walter kolesnik and it rocks honestly, i love reading about education because i’ve spent half my life in school and had so many private frustrations with it at the time, it’s cathartic to read about. the education system used to stress me out so bad because it really does feel like an impossible problem to solve, the thought and effort and resources required for a truly good education is insurmountable and it makes me feel hopeless. truly! but i thought i was doomed to worrying about it forever because i was taught that i can either be a mother or a teacher. i didn’t really know any adult women who weren’t that growing up, i didn’t know of any other options. so now i am living my wildest dreams in my office job in a way. it’s a freedom previously unimaginable. i feel so grateful for my circumstances now, i worked hard to get here and i can finally enjoy myself. looking forward to this weekend even though i’ve been struggling with my paper mache praying mantis hat recently. there’s always a problem in life isn’t there

anyways i’m going on the lemp brewery walking tour this saturday morning so hmu if you want in on that shiiiiii

10.27

most goated taylor swift song is my tears ricochet final answer.....cause when i'd fight you used to tell me i was brave...and if im dead to you then why are you at the wake...cursing my name wishing i stayedddddd you turned into your worst fears........like damn why’d she say that

i've been doing it in karaoke a lot and i think it's nearly karly hartzman level writing but nobody wants to hear that. nobody in the world is hearing me when i say that. & there are some lackluster lines in that song that make me feel silly about saying this but i must speak my truth

my current living room karaoke go-tos:

pick up that knife by wednesday

drunk drivers/killer whales SINGLE VERSION by car seat headrest

drunken angel by lucinda williams

ivy by frank ocean

ivy (cover) by car seat headrest

forrest gump by frank ocean

under control by the strokes

affirmation: i am a vibe and everyone is fucking w me when i get on the mic amen

10.24

something i think i am particularly talented in is going to classic st. louis establishments and generally being a vibe. at Piper's there are no less than 3 evangelical lesbians present at any given time and i'm talking to all of them!!!!! meant to just stop in on my walk for some tea and bathroom break and ended up chatting for 3 hours. was really venting out some of my frustrations about the church with another pastor's kid which lord knows i needed lol. except it's so funny to me how when i really get into it i start talking about how i could never pay attention in church so i don't even really know that much about the bible even though i've probably read most of it 3x by now. and other people are like hmm that's odd and not my experience. and i forget that that's more of my learning disability slayfulness than a critique of the church like right right...........

but fr that shit is boringggggg and i don't learn thru lecture format so my ass was just wasting time by not listening at 7am every single Sunday of my entire life. when i first started working my corporate job with my bestie she realized that in boring confusing meetings i'm not just tuning them out, my ears turn off and i do not hear them. and i used to feel like a bad christian because of this but the church format is just not compatible with my style of learning and it's a waste of my time. and generally the christian god is not inspiring to me & not a place where i derive hope from anymore so i'm letting that go. PEACE

then i walked to bud's pizza for the $4 slice and watched blues hockey which i consider a rare treat. i love to watch sports but i don't have that on my tv at home and hockey is a fun one. then i went to venice cafe to discuss a potential zine i'm cooking up (contact me for more info if ur interested.. <3 xx) and i chatted with the performer from piper's earlier that evening! on thursdays they have musicians come play after 7pm and it was tea i'll tell you that. i've never been to venice cafe before shockingly and i like it, a millennial woman bought me a stag because i amused her in line for the bar. i was born in the right generation bc i have many thoughts to talk about all the time and tbh most people are starved for interesting personal interaction. people tend to be open to being terrorized by my small monologues because it's just something different. if you would like to call me a thought leader then do that. to quote timothee chalamet, "I know we’re in a subjective business, but the truth is, I’m really in pursuit of greatness. I know people don’t usually talk like that, but I want to be one of the greats." i want to be one of the best random people you come across. that's all

10.23

reading boy parts for the third time and realizing i don't like it anymore urgh

10.22

bored as fuckk at work so me and my coworker are looking at our houses on zillow and analyzing the lyrics to you're losing me by taylor swift. AI couldn't do this

10.18

friends invited me to a halloween party that i wasn’t gonna go to tonight bc i’m going to a climbing gym birthday party in freaking st charles. but last night a friend saw an alert on my phone for “halloween party tomorrow” and was like oh wow what party is this and it turns out no one is going to that one so i can skip it in peace. bless

10.17

something i did not foresee: actually doing karaoke every day after getting a karaoke mic. but here we are

i love telling people i did an explosive performance of a song that cannot possibly be performed explosively. casimir pulaski day hates to see me coming

10.16

my discovery since returning home: my house smells crazy and i have a completely disorganized notepad ecosystem. i got like 20 notepads from my mom and they are scattered around the house and i grab one to write things down quickly which was helpful at first but now everything is everywhere it's too much!!! today i will figure this out

also to those looking for a job in stl: my company is always hiring and it is lowkey a really good job so seriously lmk bc i can help you ok bye

guys i had 14 notepads that i was actively writing in. FOURTEEN

wrote out everything of interest in one notebook like i’ve been meaning to do. surprisingly less “what was she cooking” moments than i thought. now i will go through my iphone notes please wish me luck

10.15 2

i’ve been giving fran these cat treats i got for free at pride and they smell like mcdonalds. should be fine

10.15

back from detroit where i had an amazing time of course. unfortunately my ocd tells me that i cannot talk about this in detail because it will ruin it. but honestly when something is good it’s not even too interesting to hear about. on the ride home from the airport i told my roommate that we went to belle isle beach and read our books on a blanket in the sand by the detroit river and to say it out loud felt flat. to me there is much more richness than i could even express but why should i try so hard to pin it down for her, it's not worth it. it’s good to be private, it harbors respect. i respect this so much that i won’t tarnish it with words. if you would like to know more i guess you should google “love poems” and then read all of the results until you reach the end of the gooooooooogle. i just checked and there are only 16 pages. you people are always in my business

sending major love and good vibes to the Big Ass Bug today. also all other flounder users experiencing troubles & difficulties, as always. but specifically the BAB today. i hope you always have a job until you don't have to have one anymore

10.10

every time i pack for detroit my brain goes "i am going to create an outfit that is so scandinavian"

jk but a clog changes everythang

gabe got a karaoke mic from the thrift store today and i'm doing all the songs no one would ever want to hear on karaoke. i forgot how furry-centric beach life-in-death is

10.9

passage from Prep that i've been thinking about recently

"The second thing about Ms. Prosek that impressed me was that she had an extremely handsome husband. His name was Tom Williamson, he worked in D.C. as a speechwriter for a Democratic senator, and he wasn't around much except on the weekends, but sometimes he'd just materialize for formal dinner in a coat and tie, or you'd see them running together, and girls would elbow each other: 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘔𝘴. 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘬'𝘴 𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥. Ms. Prosek herself was attractive but not beautiful, maybe not even what most people would call pretty, and it filled me with wonder—that she was not beautiful and he loved her, that she was smart and opinionated and he loved her, that it seemed, from the way you'd see them talking or touching in a casual, not particularly romantic way (his arm around the back of her chair with his fingers just grazing her shoulder, his head tilted toward her as she said something while they made their way down the crowded steps outside the dining hall for dinner) like maybe he even loved her a lot and like she really loved him back."

10.7

raise your hand if you had a great time at lucky parker's birthday full moon pinball club.

me too! ^_^

fate of ophelia music video goes crazy i have to say. but it does distinctly resemble the Virgin Pledge scene in megalopolis. grace vanderwaal plays the Pure Virgin of the society and they’re all bidding for virginity while she twirls around in the air, it’s so absurd that we were laughing out loud in the theater. the message of the taylor swift album is very much about how she’s surrendering her “pure good girl” persona to her traditional football boyfriend. it’s just interesting idk

10.6

lucky parker's birthday today yes it's true! i can't believe we just found him at tschüss one night and took him home. and then he turned out to be the littest guy ever. it's been a good year for that actually, speaking of. i'm going to detroit to see my boy-friend this weekend who's excited for meeeee

10.5

have been playing tennis with the cousins a lot recently (roommate + roommate’s boyfriend + roommate’s cousin) ((i am not related to any of them but it feels this way)) and we are getting to the point where i would say we are playing Beautiful Tennis. i think this in my head while we’re playing, it’s a particular phenomenon. it sounds a certain way, there’s a glide to it. my groundstrokes are finally getting back to the baseline instead of landing short and my swings are getting more fluid and powerful :o there is truly no feeling in the world that is better than being good at tennis i assure you this.

i could even see myself becoming better than how i used to be because there’s no pressure anymore. that’s my biggest fault in sports, i get in my head. it’s literally so awesome to play tennis with no stakes and i can work out the problems i’m having and there’s all the time in the world. i’ve always struggled with my serve but today i decided to focus on my toss and not worry about speed and then i never double faulted again. but even if i double faulted (which i do often) there’s no reason to be mad at myself, no one cares. i’ve been writing every day recently and it’s been unearthing some pretty deep stuff in a crazy way but now everything i do feels like Healing because i’m in my mind palace thinking thinking thinking…all the time i’m like: getting major Different Perspective vibes from this…just wanted to let you guys know that i’m healing thru sports! good night

10.3

taylor swift’s new album is so bad that it’s making me look at music i’ve previously liked in a new way. the stank emanates…

i usually am pretty forgiving of her bc she is the single most watched individual in the country and she has unique pressures that understandably stunted her emotional growth and i think her management of this situation has been impressive thus far. that saying, i do think she’s making a mistake by marrying travis kelce because he’s obviously not challenging her intellectually. the amount of songs about getting married and becoming a housewife is startling. i’ve been in an identical relationship with a man from kansas city and i think the most dangerous relationships are with the people you believe you can outthink, therefore they can’t hurt you. but all that comes out of that is feeling insulted every time you’re let down because you know you deserve better. i’m not even a swiftie like that i swear but joe alwyn i miss the tap water at yo house </3

10.2 2

two things are true:

1. roommate's boyfriend's birthday should be a national holiday

2. roommate's boyfriend should always take out the trash when he comes over

<3 <3 <3

update to my books to understand me, in dubiously ranked order

1. stoner

2. prep by curtis sittenfeld

3. gilead

4. boy parts

5. breasts and eggs (not fully accurate to me bc it's about wanting a baby so badly and i don't feel that way but it's mainly talking about female lonlieness #yeah)

10.2

orphaned myself yesterday and testified at a city hall infrastructure meeting against the data center. big day

byron watched a video i made for 7th grade english class the other day which was filmed at my old house. he said my room gave him insane asylum vibes and it's true, the vibe is fucking weird in there. i don't remember any of the decorations, it felt like i was seeing them for the first time. it unlocked a lot of memories for me, i forgot that i wasn't allowed to decorate my own room, every single element was chosen for me. an unauthorized picture i placed on the wall would be taken down. there really wasn't an aspect of my life that i had a choice in growing up and i'm realizing the extent of this with horror. my mom really hated when i started thrifting and wearing my own clothes, she was nasty about it like i was dressed ridiculously.

i'm learning a lot from old journal entries that i've been finding in random places. i couldn't have a journal because my mom would go through my room while i was at school and read everything. i would write short entries on loose leaf paper and then hide them. i'm amazed that i still have any of those, i think most of them were ripped up or burned :(

it makes sense now why i would lie in bed completely paralyzed in college. when someone is telling you what to do your entire life it can be comforting. Julia Cameron says "Anyone honest will tell you that possibility is far more frightening than impossibility, that freedom is far more terrifying than any prison." i didn't think i wanted the freedom, i didn't know what to do with it. i desperately wanted to get married so i could find someone else to tell me what to do (......) yesterday on wikipedia i was reading about doomsday cults and that's what my family is wrapped up in. they see all the unnecessary deaths in the world as "part of the plan" and trump is the fearless leader that will guide them through to the end of the world. it's beyond horrifying, i can't do it anymore

9.30

have been coming to terms with the fact that my family was Actually Abusive growing up and i wasn't just being sensitive. i made excuses for them for a long time but they are in a Capital C Cult and it's not safe for me to be around them anymore. gabe made a nest of blankets in our sunroom and last night i laid in it with fran and felt profoundly safe at home. i had to teach myself that i could trust this feeling but it's really true, i love gabe & she's never mad at me and it's been a majorly transformative experience in my life. the people who allow you safety and freedom, those are the ones to keep around. this is what i'm learning

i had the realization that i'm already halfway through missing every holiday with my family this year. i've been in michigan for easter, mothers day, labor day. i skipped fourth of july and everyone's birthdays. i can easily say that i'm having a Detroit thanksgiving and Australia christmas and not see them for the rest of the year. i think i'll receive a couple "are you alive" texts or even maybe a call. but i don't think they would have enough interest to try and find my address in our old imessage texts if they wanted to come pound on my door. i always dreamed of some kind of escape when i was younger but nothing seemed feasible. i realized in the comfort of my home last night that at 25 years old i can finally run away (!!!) i think next year i'll tell them i moved to chicago if i'm still in contact with them.

griddying so hard rn

9.26

the other day at work my coworker was spilling tea on the father of her child in our meeting and it was intense, he killed people in a car accident and went to prison and she still dated him after etc. which made me feel comfortable enough to share that my mom is neglecting her two cats so they'll die faster because she doesn't want them anymore. the whole room gasped and i was like oh shit that was too real...but it's true! and it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your parents are abusing animals but it lowkey makes my childhood make more sense. anyways if someone in the st louis area wants a 10 year old black cat named Finley she is available. she is extremely sweet and i love her to death. she is severely dandruffed from neglect but i believe that would go away if you fed her properly. the other one i don't know if my mom would part with because it's her "favorite" even though she wants him to die. but a male maine coon could also be an option, just lmk

9.26

this report at work has been ruining my life for awhile and i have to run 1079 test cases before monday. which is the page count of infinte jest. which does not make me feel better

but on my long stress walk during lunch break i ran across bigassbug reading their car manual in the garage and it felt like a cartoon. i loooove existing within a context. i love that i go outside and see people i know, it makes me feel more real. i've been thinking about how when people lose their hearing they get dementia faster because it's harder for them to participate in conversation and therefore society at large.. and i think this phenomenon happens in other ways too. like if you don't live in community and your life feels estranged from everyone else's you fuckin lose it. or online when it's all ads and AI and bots and you're not really talking to real people anymore. and then i guess people use AI to write for them too, they don't even use their own brain for writing. that is dementia express no?

edit: i experienced this in my own life because my family is very conservative christian nickelback listener type so when you reference something they don't understand they just ignore it, no curiosity whatsoever. i can really see this clearly now as an adult because i'll talk about things that fully make sense (ex: i went up to ann arbor to play a giant soccer game with a bunch of different soccer clubs from other cities) and they act like they have no idea what i'm talking about. and when you're a kid that forces you to live outside of context. no one understands what i'm trying to say so why even try to connect? and i felt this way throughout college, like people often didn't attempt to understand what i was trying to say even though i knew it was funny. i felt too complicated and i wondered if i was losing my mind. but one time my friend michael said "emma, when you actually listen to what you're saying it's hilarious. why aren't more people doing this" and that was so affirming. after that michael was always listening to me, always with the appropriate level of laughter because he really did understand. that meant a lot to me

i've been thinking on this for the past couple weeks, what selection of books would summarize me. and i've decided that if you read:

1. Stoner by John Williams

2. Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

3. Boy Parts by Eliza Clark

4. Breasts and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami

then you will fully understand me

9.22 2

can’t go anywhere with my roommate i’ll be

like wishing i was drinking this out of the blue cup :/ from our house

9.22

have been writing 3 pages every morning lately and the two conclusions i keep arriving at are:

1. we accept the love we think we deserve

2. even i was weirded tf out

poem got lost in the mail last month so i sent him 3 versions of it this month just in case. playing it cool

9.18

pavement is coming out with a new 'best of' compilation album and they're all pretty unsurprising selections. it's like they didn't consult my pavement ranking at all

9.16

my mom has been texting me every few weeks to say "are you alive??" and i say yes and then she says ok. which in my mind a better way to go about this is to say "hey how are you what have you done this week" and i can say something like "hi i'm good i got a haircut and went to pinball club" and then she can know me as a person while also checking that i'm still alive. but she's mad that i'm young and turnt so this is how it goes

bf sent me his poetry from college and it is better than mine which is good because now i have something to strive for. yesterday i went to the library on my lunch break and read half of a poetry collection called mosses and lichens which i wasn't impressed by. things like this contribute to me resting on my laurels because it feels like, at least i can do it better than that bullshit i just read. but i'm reading as much poetry i can right now so i can figure out what i actually like and building my respect for the craft so i can push myself further. peace signnnnn

also not a soul acknowledged my haircut yesterday at work and i know this is strange because when i went to the palestine fundraiser on friday many friends noticed and said very nice things. which i guess i would prefer the silence to my boss making a big deal out of it because i could see him very awkwardly complimenting it because he feels like he has to. so it's whatever

seeing the long walk tonight with new flounderer lucky which is one of my favorite stephen king books. i think i really connected with it as a teenager because the boys can never stop walking or they'll get shot and that's how life used to feel to me. maybe that's a dumb thing to say but it's true, it felt like i just had to keep walking every day no matter what and there was nothing to look forward to. and i was bored and frustrated and i was just waiting for the walking to end, that's it. but now to me life feels more about seeking pleasure and learning as much as i can. that's really all there is to it (i think)

9.15

funny situation: i sent a poem in the mail a month ago and i never heard back about it so i was feeling chopped wrt writing but it turns out it never arrived. so this changes everything. an old timey problem to have

9.12

got a gay person haircut without thinking about how my boss refuses to acknowledge me as an employee because he's not attracted to me. so this will be awesome for my career probably

when i look in the mirror and my haircut looks ugly. that’s my internalized homophobia

9.9

finished gilead this weekend which was maybe life changing. i went on one date with someone in 2021 and he sent me this book for christmas a year later because he thought i might need it someday. i was annoyed at the time but i am grateful for it now. i ignored his texts for another year until his girlfriend needed a job referral for my company and i got $1000 as a reward because they needed employees so badly. i took that money and went to europe which i spent having what felt like significant arguments with people from the past that i will never see again. i complained about poems people have written about me in old catholic churches that all blended together in the end. i was careful not to swear in those buildings but it was always on the tip of my tongue. which made me feel far away from the person i used to be, someone who stood in new churches and was too shy to speak

last night i told gabe something that i used to think i would have to hide for the rest of my life. i remember thinking with dread that even when i'm married i'll have to keep this secret. but now 6 years later i can speak about it with relative ease and she made a really funny joke about it and we both laughed for a long time. i am living far beyond what my childhood self thought was possible and this is why i think i'll always feel mostly satisfied with my life. i'm getting to a point emotionally this month that i didn't know was possible at the beginning of this year. the past 7 months have been the happiest of my entire life. and the past few weeks i've been struggling with my confidence which i think is important. i think it has to do with the fact that to be in a relationship you have to let yourself be fully known. i've only felt able to be completely honest w/o judgment with two people in my life. i come off as a vulnerable person because i'm willing to talk about my life candidly but that costs me nothing. it's only intimacy to me if i'm saying things that scare me to admit. those things used to be untouchable because they were buried in so many layers of guilt and shame and embarrassment that i didn't think i could make my mouth say them. but recently i've been unearthing them slowly and it feels good. and also less of a big deal than i anticipated. so i think it's time to fully investigate the discomfort i have with myself. today i'm going to go on a hike alone and think about this a lot

when i first moved to st. louis i did most things alone. i can't really remember if this was by choice or not. i would walk around the block and smoke a joint by myself to work up courage before going to a party or show. one time i drove an hour from my parent's house to a show (rip lucas schoolhouse) and almost turned around at the door because it felt too scary to go in. but i put on a veil of fake confidence and did it and had fun. so i kept doing that until the confidence felt real. now i have a close friend group that i enjoy doing things with so i don't need that protective layer for myself anymore. but i want to build it all back in a real way. since getting home from michigan i've been able to access brand new memories from my childhood that i was repressing and it is painful & good. so i'm thinking about those & my entire life and forgiving myself over and over until i don't feel embarrassed anymore. so basically that's what's up

9.8 2

have been getting into what i call “random girl therapy” where i find a random girl outside and i talk about my problems and she grants me sage wisdom before we part ways. cannot recommend this enough. and pinball is the pinnacle of this, it’s the best selection of girls to complain with in this whole damn city

9.8

i think my dad is a cult leader

9.7

ingested a lethal dose of strawberry lassi tonight at dinner

9.4

met @ashley for the first time today which was like speaking to an angel in heaven

9.3

ate all 3 meals at the office today. i hope my company reads my blog so they can see how hard i grind

i feel overwhelmed with how much i want to read all the time right now. i feel like i don’t know anything and i want to fill my brain with information. i am also trying to wrap my mind around my whole life and experiences and future but it’s chill. i’ve been privately journaling quite a bit because i’m really hitting a point where the main conflicts + desires of my entire life are converging. and it is admittedly pretty intense. i went to michigan and had brand new thoughts that pushed me way forward in how i’m looking at things. but i’m glad to be home because i have a lot to think about now. what i’ve been appreciating about being adult is that you can kinda choose your problems (for the most part) and there’s a pleasure in that. all the considering is fun because it will result in knowing myself better and realizing exactly what i want. and then there’s the even more fun part of puzzling everything together & into fruition which i think i have a gift for. i am deadset on being happy and i’ve been on a good streak of doing just that! peace sign