8.27
sorry i’ve been quiet on here i’ve been forgetting who the fuck i am

excerpt from little weirds by jenny slate:
“Am I too big or too small or too much or too little? I have always known I would die for love. I think I am dying while or because of waiting for it. I cannot bear how it feels like a surging throng of beats and yells and gasps inside of my small form. I have wondered on many occasions if any confidence I have is just a weird side effect of foolishness and I live under the weight of so much embarrassment, I’m surprised the top of my head isn’t flat.”

8.26
sabrina is going to nashville this weekend and i am going to detroit so it is vacation time imminently. and we’ve decided to get vacay vibes going early starting at pinball—sorry we were boisterous last night we’re on vacation

i’ve been doing predictive MASH with my friends the last couple mondays which i am obsessed with…we come up with new categories for what could happen in our week. this week we did only good ones because it literally works every week. everything comes true somehow. except we make it as a prediction for the group so different things happen to different people. 
here is this week’s:
pure positive event- beautiful nature
mind- restful sleep, deep dream
body- peak physical form
soul- epsom salt bath

but i like it when we land on a money one because i got that one once. i found $23 in rolled change in my car randomly. i recommend this to all

8.23
broke my t break last night to hit the bong with my neighbor + her long distance boyfriend on facetime. felt honored to participate in such a powerful ritual. i think other couples are so interesting, i probably asked them a million questions. but i love love i can’t get enough of it frankly

resuming my soberness until next week #turnup which will be nice, i’m enjoying it. i am going through a phase right now where i feel kind of boring. i have things on my mind but nothing i want to talk about with anyone in particular. i’m enjoying long stretches of time alone & have been reading a lot recently. need to stop watching instagram reels my phone is so distracting

went to the goo man + deerest friends + marble teeth show alone last night. lineup so good if someone needed to serve me papers they would do it there. caleb marbleteeth always plays joshua 2 (rahab) in st louis because he knows it’s my favorite. love that guy down

8.21
going to detroit one week from today, let that sink in.

hung out with my parents + sister + grandma last night and it was actually very fun, i always forget that mary ellen is kinda a real one. she's republican but doesn't misgender my friends which is cool. it was nice to not have my brother and his kids around, love them but i like to have adult conversations and that's impossible around them. i feel like my brain is seeping out of my skull when we talk about the babies for 3+ hours

instead we talked about me moving to chicago and my sister's divorce and the funny things my grandpa is saying in the nursing home. they were all really supportive of the move which was a bit surprising. everyone said the same exact thing at first though, that they're from illinois and everyone from illinois hates chicago. it's a "that's cool for you but i would never do that" attitude which is fine. i complained about my boss and then my dad included him in the family prayer before dinner which actually gagged me bad...i do need to stop being such a hater i think. dwelling on it is probably not good. it was nice to be reminded that they are well meaning people, we just differ on how we want to move about the world. i've been really raging against them recently which was necessary for awhile but now i think i'm past that #woohoo

8.19
i have wanted the gardana hemp clog my entire life and i finally received them in the mail today. they are perfect i could not be happier!

they’ve been sold out of my size for years and one website in the whole world finally got them this month i couldn’t believe it. i ordered them from somewhere else two months ago and then they refunded me because they didn’t actually have my size. i saw a man wearing them at tick tock tavern the other day and that was my last straw. i made one more internet search and was finally successful. and i am finally done with cat sitting too i’m literally so at peace it’s crazy

8.18
went to the river yesterday and it was nice! have been quiet & serious recently because i am in hell. i got employed at my job so now i'm constantly learning and working which is exhausting. and they hired two new employees too so i'm also training them (with the little information i have) which is double exhausting.  and i'm cat sitting while my friend is in ireland so i'm not sleeping in my own bed and i'm driving all over the place all the time. once i'm there it's nice, it's like the motel room in all fours by miranda july. it's my space and i can do whatever i want and it's peaceful. but when i have to drive from south city to u city to get there i'm dreading it. and fran is mad that i'm not home anymore. i keep thinking "if i become allergic to cats i'm fucked because fran requires me to rub my face on her for a minimum of 30 minutes a day or she hits me" 
they say fran hits emma that's why she quiet

i've been reading gilead recently which is about a dying pastor writing a letter to his son.. 
i cry almost every time i read it #don't text

8.13
petsitting for sabrina and she stocked scallion pancakes in the fridge and baked me reece’s cookies amongst a million other kind & thoughtful things. sometimes it is so shocking to realize someone is really listening to you. and cares enough to go out of their way for you. how do you not cry your eyes out

8.12
have been feeling off recently but surprisingly i'm being saved by the power of song. sometimes all you really need to walk around the alleys with your noise cancelling headphones and sing out loud. after basketball on friday they played the "we're playing basketball, we love that basketball" song twice in a row and after awhile you really get into it. alexis said she looked over and saw me really Singing It earnestly which is so funny to me

8.10
the fact that florida water actually works…omg

finished big swiss and now 100 pages into all fours by miranda july. clocked into flounder bookclub today 

8.7 2
another diabolical episode of the summer i turned pretty, congrats to everyone involved

8.7
also bay faction on tuesday was litness... maybe it's recency bias but that was one of my favorite shows i've been to in the last couple years tbh. i think that band is awesome outside of nostalgia reasons, they're great songwriters and they push the limits with what you can get away with. and they're kind of theatrical when they perform, it's fun to watch. i just love them ugh i wish you guys had been there. i underestimated the cult following they have because most of the people in the front knew all the words. afterwards almost everyone in the audience went up to talk to them at the merch table (!) which i was touched by. they answered questions i've had for years and when i told them they are kinda like my One Direction they all shook my hand. 

afterwards i walked around in the historic cherokee neighborhood and got fully spooked out. it felt similar to new orleans, how you can feel the energy is different. it is generally nonthreatening but actual weird shit kept happening to me and it kind of spoiled the fun of a solo night walk. i booked it back to my car but now i am interested in the lemp haunted neighborhood walking tour if anyone wants to play tourist with me

8.6 2 
miraculously worked out the final draft of my poem an hour before poetry & rage then i read it to gabe during youtube + dinner time. she doesn’t really fuck with poetry at all and she said she liked it, that it reminds her of her and alex. which i consider a top tier compliment ! 
then i read my poem and it went well and the stranger i was sitting by offered me their vape afterwards which i also consider a compliment. feeling relieved to finally have that one completed, it is hard to write about certain things without sounding like billie eilish talking about jesse rutherford. but i push on, the brave girl i am

8.6
listening to my spotify on repeat like wow this playlist deserves an award

considering reading my poem that i am still working on at open mic tonight to open my eyes to what's missing. i've been working on it for a month and it's slow going for some reason. or i could keep working on it privately. my only philosophy for knowing when a poem is done is that it's vulnerable enough that i get a thrill from it but it doesn't embarrass me to say out loud. i guess i will write it down on paper and then decide once i get there if i want to sign up. i'm worried that once i read it out publicly it'll feel too permanent to keep working on but maybe that's not true. we will see

8.4 
good morning flounder

i decided i am going to stay at my job because they are finally giving me tasks and i actually enjoy it. and then i can keep my cat <3 
and i really just hate applying for a new job tbh. it is my #1 ocd trigger i seriously start tweaking. so i'm gonna not do that right now

in the rateyourmusic mines today. you'd think i would get tired of 00-20's indie rock but i just don't. idk